I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
