I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Dear god my vagina.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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