it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Randomize
