My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
