I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
