My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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