was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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