can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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