he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
