You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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