Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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