Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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