He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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