That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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