the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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