I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
