Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
