Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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