You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
