The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
