new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Randomize
