No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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