you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
