hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
