Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
