My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He better not be in your backpack
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
