i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize