I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
