Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I am midnight drunk by noon
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
