So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
