youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
