im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
