I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
