I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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