My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
