Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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