If i could tip my vagina, i would.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
