in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
