What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
