Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
