Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
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