He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My vagina is officially offended.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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