I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
