3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
