Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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