I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
