How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
