shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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