I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
