my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
