Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
