Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
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