Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
