i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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