I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
